WOW

2011-11-13T23:07:00.002+08:00

Every night like this, i cry to bed.

You won't understand the pain I am dealing with. No one do. Only me. I am tired facing everything alone. This feeling is killing me.

2011-11-05T13:31:00.002+08:00

November comes, bad start of the month

"Sometimes i wonder if anyone in this world understands me. In the past, i cried with my friends around. I felt blessed because at least i know there is someone there with me. Now, i cry alone. I wonder if i still have the will to live on. Oh lord, i am losing it. Is it the sign of you wanting me to be part of you? "

Many things happened this year. I was happy before, to be exact, I was happy last year. When my friends were there to bring me joy and you were there. But now, everything changed. Get into this new environment and i resist to change. Why? Because I love and enjoy the past. They are wonderful memories and never i have expected i would become so upset in this new environment. I feel that I don't belong here. Every morning I come to school, is just purely to do what I am supposed to do-get educated and leave. I find no motivation and joy coming to school, not like in the past anymore. Why? I always question myself. But the more I questioned, the more I cry. I miss the past, I despise my current life and I see no future. Things are so hard here. Getting a degree seems so hard and far from me.

And, family issues. I don't understand. I am spending my own money, they are unhappy. Okay, I know I always spend and I am using up my own savings, but isn't this what girls always do? Not that i have always take money from you before I leave the house. I know that savings are important, but I am not excessively spending my money like hundreds a month?

Curfews. For this 17 years of my life, I have never get home after the clock strikes 12 at night when I am out with my friends. The only one time I am allowed is when i got to prom last year. That's the ONLY time. And last night, I got home before 11 and you nagged at me, he nagged at me. Why? I am just merely coming home after 10 and you have to start nagging. The WHOLE family argue with me. What's the matter? I am already 17 this year and you still have to do this? And I has been so long since I come home at that time. AND it's not even after 11!

My brother. Last night I cried so badly not because I made him upset and I am so sorry. He, who is younger than me, said such harsh things to his sister. He said that I don't think like him, and he is trying to bring across that oh, he uses his brain so well that he is a mature man. Oh please, everyday I heard him boosting about how great he was with his studies and ended up getting results like shit. So wow, he is MORE mature than me? He uses his BRAIN huh? I am so impressed. WOW. A person who use a brain will not boost when he doesn't have the ability to do it. If you said that you can get good grades, then better prove it to me. Don't get so yaya and talk cock in front of me when you can't do it. That will make me lose confidence in you.

Lord, I beg of you. Give me strengths to live on.

2011-10-15T22:40:00.003+08:00

Good things come, definitely.

Finally its the END OF PROMOS. yeah, i have overcome the major milestone of this year...OH WAIT. yeah, i still need to push myself for the final one- namely the Alevels Chinese and my OP presentation. Yes, I HATE TO DO PRESENTATION.

I am quite surprise with my results. I did it! For the first time i passed my gp paper 2 and got an A for my Chinese paper. That's a huge encouragement for me before my actual A levels! Finally my languages are showing some improvements. Thank god. And yes, finally a A for my maths paper too! Was really upset with my results during CT. ): And, i seriously can't figure out what happened to my biology! Didn't expect that i did better as compared to my secondary school. Maybe i do have the passion for biology! haha. As for my chem and econs, I NEED TO WORK HARDER! ): Econs is so hard. Should have opt for H2 biology comb. instead. Oh well, gotta work hard for next year then. FIGHT ON BABY!

2011-09-30T20:19:00.002+08:00

Yes, i believe time heals.

Hey guys. Sorry for the lack of updates. My JC life has been keeping me real busy, with tonnes of revisions and assignments to be done daily. Well, sometimes i wonder should i ever thank JC for keeping me occupied though, so that i can really immerse myself into all these work and refrain from engaging in unnecessary thoughts that are unlikely to happen.

Anyway, was busying preparing for my major exams-PROMOS. Mind you, it is really a killer. So demanding and i must say it is really not pragmatic to complete my papers within the time limit. Sigh. So yeah, i have to train to get things done in a faster speed. This will be hard for me, i know. ): But i am going to try. Life is about trying and getting it, isn't it?

As the year is coming to the end, yes, i am so freaking glad! This year has been a tough, and well, considered meaningful for me. I met great friends. Friends which i believe i can continue to keep in contact even for the rest of my life. They are becoming part of my life and i really appreciate that. Perhaps i am regretting coming to JC due to the unbearable stress level that i have to be consistently deal with, yet i feel glad to be here. Because i know friends that are worth to keep. No pretending, just purely showing their true feelings and emotions! Of course, not forgetting my secondary schools friends too! They are equally as great as them, seriously. As for some, it is really not worth to keep in touch with. I am so sick of all these dramas where you will need to 'act' as if you really like hanging out with them. I had enough. So well, it is good for you guys to take the initiative first. So i am just doing my part too- removing you guys out of my life. I just hope that we can forget all the unhappiness that we had and get on with our life. Perhaps just forget that we are once good friends and let's be pure acquaintances ya. We will have a better impression of each other. A win-win situation. As for some whom i have hurt, i have not forget about you guys. I am really sincere to resolve this and, i have never given up on any friendship. i won't and i will never will. I am in silence for now because i understand that you are still holding grudges against me. So,i shall wait for a while more. I hope you haven't given up on me yet and you still want me to be your friend. I really hope you are.

As my life journey progress, i have to admit that i am getting better with life, and accepting all these hard truths and take failure more seriously. Yes, i am looking forward to become an real adult! (:

Alright, time to get serious and shall give my best shot for my last 2 papers! Fighting!!!!!

2011-09-08T00:30:00.002+08:00

I once dream to marry you...

i hate myself that i have to rely on you. Because you are only one that know what to say and do when i tell you how i feel. And the more i rely on you, the more i cant let you go. But i know i have to.. move on. i know you wont have time for me, because i am not your priority. I know you have been always finding time to meet me. Thank you.

And yes, i did thought that you are my future. i dream to marry you, and spend the rest of my life with you. but i know this is impossible. You gave up before me. you made me realized that it is really impossible. So i know. i shouldn't be dreaming anymore. Because you are going to marry someone else and i, will leave with someone else. And i am gotta to see you get married before i could.

2011-08-28T21:46:00.003+08:00

I hate how i am being changed by others. Fuck the world.

yeah, i think i have changed. ever since i stepped into this fucking place and everything changes. The world here is already moving too fast. Too fast till i can't catch my breathe sometimes. Till i wish i can just leave and go to do other stuff. Then, this fucking place forces me to go even faster. I AM JUST A HUMAN. I AM JUST AN AVERAGE STUDENT WITHOUT GENIUS'S BRAIN. Fuck you seriously.

What if one day i just can't endure anymore with such a pain and pressure and gone bonkers?

2011-07-22T22:01:00.002+08:00

If i am given one more chance, i will still choose to fall for you.

11 July 2011

Happy 17. It has been great being alive in this world. Though i do complain, cure and swear. i am glad to be alive. To get the taste of love, joy, sadness. Thank god i am alive to love you, and feel your love. Thank you god for allowing to meet awesome friends. Thanks for giving me a normal life. Thanks for giving me all the flaws so that i can improve on. Thanks for making me feel loved by many people. And thank god i have met you. And yes, i know god will always watch me grow and protect me. Thank you.

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

I am lucky to have what i have. Thank god.

2011-07-04T22:08:00.003+08:00

You know your love is worth it, when he cried for you....

Thanks, my love.

I have never expect myself to fall for you. To care or love you like now.

But, i did. And i am glad i did.

If i can turn back the time once more, and choose if i will let this happens to me.

I will say yes. Because i still want you to be in my life.

So that i have memories of you. And i can think of what had happened between us.

You gave me the best memory that i ever had for the past 16 years.

Though we may not be the best together, or people talk behind our back,

Just remember, as long as we are happy with each other, so what about others?

Furthermore, Love is about us, not they.

And yes, i don't know how long i can still go on to love you,

but you will always be part of me, just like my family.

i will watch you grow, then have a family, and leading a happy life.

By then, i will be standing a distance from you, and smile to myself and say this,

"Thank god he is blessed. May him be happy always, even without me. As long as he is, i will be."

30 years later, let's meet one day and we will reminisce every moment that we spent together 30 years before. If either one of us forget, let's remind each other then.

Our love has never ended, it is just been temporally hidden in our heart, that's all.

2011-06-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

So now, i have learnt to love you from a distance. As long as you are happy, even if with her. i will gradually accept it, and be happy for you.

You are giving me a real lesson learnt.

Yes, finally i am trying to slowly accept the fact that we aren't possible and accept that i should leave you.

So that you can won't be so vexed and frustrated about this, so that your parents can be happy, so that she will be happy to have you.

I am willing to sacrifice myself, just for you.

Because i want everyone to be happy. If i am happy, but i cause others to be upset instead. i wont be happy.

So, i rather i bear all the pain, and give others happiness.

Anw, i really want to thanks this butch of lovelies that advise me on what to do.

I already know that i shouldn't be holding on to you, i know it's time to let go. but i don't want to. Because you have given me what is happiness. I have never want to lose this feeling. But i know it's wrong to do so. Maybe if i let you go first, then you can give me up and really be with her.

Like i said, she needs me more that you do. She will be lost without you. But for me...i will find my way through...

If we are able to meet in our next life, please promise that you won't let me go. Because i won't and i will really hold on to you. yes. i will. i won't let you go just like what i am doing in this life.

2011-06-05T22:58:00.003+08:00

So now, after all those crying, torture, hopes, i will still have to face the reality, and give up.

Life, that's life.

you cried, fucking hate what you are doing, having the need to give up, then slowly try to work everything out. And then, you are happy once again.

So well, aren't you guys sick of this type of life?

You love him/her, he/she doesn't love you, then you still believe if you persevere and continue to hold on to him/her, he/she will love you back in the end.

Then what he/she tells you, oh my god, i won't love you. No feelings means no feelings. Please get out of my life.

You met your first true love.

You love him/her, he/she loves you, then you both hold on to that glimpse of hope - we will last forever, we will get married, have children, and live together till we die. So, when on earth did such couple exists? 1, 2, few hundreds?

I must really say they are so lucky. But they are the abnormal ones, isn't it?

The majority went through much tougher paths than theirs. We love, fight, broke up, then love someone else, fight again, broke up.... the cycle continues until one fine day you managed to find someone, that loves you, fight with you, but eventually tries to mend everything. Then finally, both of you married, and live in bliss.

So, what's the issue? You need to find, get someone to love, then try if he/she is the right one for you. You just need to keep on trying, then hurt yourself, undergoes through heartbreaks, then give yourself time to adjust so that you can live without him/her. then get on with life, and find others.

People give up totally halfway, why? because they tried like fucking umpteen times but they still can't get the right person. Who wants to be that group of people? None.

Complicating relationships.

My mentality was wrong.

I always thought, if both of you love each other, you both can overcome the challenges and eventually get what you both wanted. My naive thinking. haha.

If we can just fall in love once, and never gets hurt. i wish.

2011-05-30T00:40:00.002+08:00

I am a loser. I am lost and i am still not trying to find my way out...

Tell me, what's the difference when you are being slashed once and someone did it once more?

It still hurts. Though it hurts more than the first cut, the end result is still the same- you are hurt.

I can't move on, no. is i don't want to move on. why? your reason is not convincing enough. I don't feel that i should lose it battle. I should be winning. The winner should be me. But why i am losing now? Why am i defeated? I don't want to be that one.

See, even someone like me, knows how to fight for the things that i want. I know it. you know too. But your actions are totally different from your mentality. So how?

Tell me, if you want to regret for your rest of your life. you sure that when you give me up, you won't regret? if you won't, i guess, i can't do anything.

Love is never one sided. It takes 2 parties to work. When one gives up, no matter how much another is willing to do, nothing will work. I hope we won't be like this.

2011-05-28T00:18:00.002+08:00

Yes, people come into your life, make you love them, they hurt you and leave you.

It's finally the June holidays, finally.

I fucking need a break, desperately need one.

yeah, my life has been hard, too hard that i cried fucking many times that i can hardly count.

worst than secondary school, fuck.

and, you left me, when i was so weak and you know i need your support to move on.

yet you left me. Sometimes i wonder, wonder if i really need you.

sometimes is a yes, sometimes is a no.

A yes, when i am so fucking stress up with my homework, my tests due dates, you isn't there like in the past. you are no longer the reason for my smile.

A no, when i managed to hold myself up and tell myself, "stop thinking that he is important. he is no longer in your life and i am sure you can live your life better without him."

yes, i did survive. but most of the time, i cry more than i smile.

why, why a fucking why?

the reality is too much, so much at i can no longer have the courage to face it.

I don't know how long can i take it, how much time i need to accept, and how long before i can forget you and no longer hate you.

months, years, forever?

oh well, i don't know. by the time you will forget me and get on with your life,

I am just a passer-by, someone that walked into your life for months.

you go for me, knowing that the impossibility. You hold me tight, till i hold on to you.

Then it's time to face the reality. You let me go. you fucking let go of your hand and let me fall.

I fell. hurt and now, i have to pull myself up. And you, you trying to lend me a helping hand.

This time, you are just pulling me up. you won't hold me tight anymore. And i know, i won't let you hold me too. you will just make me fall again. i am not that silly to do that.

you screw everything. my life, my heart. I was a happy girl. Then you make me like this.

But how can i blame you. Blame my heart then. you fuckingly get touched by him and accepted him.

you make your owner so sad now. is all your fault.

yes, my heart. fuck you.

and yes, you better forget him and remove him from your heart. don't make your owner miserable.

GET. OUT. OF . MY . HEART.

Got bless me. let me forget him.

I wish i can be happier. i wish.

2011-05-20T22:13:00.003+08:00

The process of letting go is hard, torturous, yet meaningful....

I remember how you hold my hand.

And now, i shall let her hold your hand.

I gave you up, is not because i wanted to, but this is best for all of us.

I will remember your tears, you smile, your hug, and lastly, your love.

May both of us be friends forever, no more sad tears, memories or regrets.

Remember the happiness, remember how hard we tried, remember we are one in the past.

I know you won't see this, but i hope you can be happy. As happy as when you are with me.

I will miss you, and please don't look back. This is too late.

Give her the love, like how you gave me once before.

I wish you all the best with your current girlfriend.

Yours truly.

2011-04-25T19:14:00.002+08:00

Who will be there to save me.

Am feeling super fcuk up now. Maybe i am the really one of the thousands or even millions unfortunate ones suffering all these. I am so piss off, yet can't turn to anyone. Suay t.h.m.

2011-03-17T20:56:00.006+08:00

If it's yours, eventually, it will come back to you.

so sorry for being hiatus for quite a few weeks. Well, my life has been drastically changed in just a few weeks time. Got enrolled into a JC, and i must say, if you hate study, you better don't get in. ;x Gosh, I have been consistently seeing books since i get into JC! mind you, i mug EVERYDAY. -.- tired plus sick already. you all must be scolding me right, who ask you to go JC! okay, fine. it's all my fault. I decide my own fate and that's what i have chosen. sigh. Seriously i feel like migrating to China sometimes. Why? To be a farmer permanently. I know is quite absurd to say this, but isn't it? We are sick of this fast, hectic life of ours. Well, i just hope everything will end fast and i get to enjoy my life real soooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnn! but the cycle will starts again when i get into uni. Fml please. ): And now i finally get to realise something. olevels is NOTHING. Alevels is so 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000x worst! T.T The information that i am absorbing and have to understand is 1000000000000000000000000x more than what i learn for olevels. So for those who are complaining about olevels, people here are worst than you. -.-

I miss the days when i rotted at home, when i was working, when i went out with my friends, when i had heart to heart talks with my bbf and my choir cliques, when i studied in 4E5 classroon, when i attended choir and sing with the melody, when i attended PE though it was so slack.

Yet all of these are in the past.

Got to move on, sigh.

2011-01-20T10:40:00.002+08:00

I am lost.

I am sick, again! ):

in just less than 3 months, i sick for 3 times liao.

suay right. sigh.

这一次, 我才发现原来我是多么的依赖你.

2011-01-17T17:32:00.002+08:00

It's a new beginning.

Decided on my final choice, gotta pursue my studies in JC.

Though everyone says it's hard,

but it's what they think.

I just gotta to do my best, or even doing more.

Anw, it's shimin's birthday today!

Happy 17th birthday, girl! (:

had a surprise birthday celebration for her.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=327277&id=688820449

then headed to eat Marche!

hahahahaha, i treat leh! I used my POSB card. LOL.

Anw, the food is quite healthy and not bad, so recommended! (:

And the atmosphere and surrounding also quite good.

And the poeple there are v. friendly too! unlike those kopitiam de aunties. :x

you can see the pictures at here:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=327277&id=688820449

Sorry, i am just too lazy to place all the photos here. hehehehe. :X